Circles Around My Eyes
It was a long day at work...hours on my feet, using my hands to adjust clothes other people would end up wearing. There's a lot of little things to do, but what I love most is the chance to take the craziness of the sale room and tidy it up. To see it go from chaos to clean. Reflecting on that now, it's not surpising that this has mirrored itself in different aspects of my life.
Faith is definitely one of them. To have a rambling mind, filled with fear and questions...these moments are my trials. I have peace, however, when those thoughts fall into a category, fit into a place of understanding that allows me to file it away and move on. Lately, however, I've come up against the unfile-able. Spiritual warfare.
Growing up, I was afraid of the dark. My nightlight was the rope of sanity that I clung to when my head was filled with all the possibilities of what might possibly be in the unknown, creepy corners of my room. Even now, I wake up from a nightmare, scared of the blurred reality that surrounds me. I'm verging on legally blind, so the dark shapes of my room are unintelligible What scares me most about spiritual warfare, is that I might possibility be convinced of one truth, only to have some thought that isn't my own, convince me otherwise. What is the voice of God in my head, which is mine, and which is the enemy? Can my own voice become my enemy? Can the enemy sound enough like God that I could get lost in a lie? As a child of God, the Bible says I'm untouchable...tempt-able, but untouchable.
In my moments of fear, I do what I believe I should; I pray, I sing, I speak the name of Jesus, or I beg God to help me...to give me peace, to take my fear from me. But what scares me, is that the response has never been instant. My fear doesn't vanish in a moment...instead I either fall asleep exhausted from my fear and fervent prayers, or peace only comes after I've cried my eyes out. I know the Lord is capable of miracles... and so, is it my lack of faith..or perhaps some stronghold of the enemy's, that keeps me from experiencing these miracles? Is God teaching me something in this? And if yes...what?
Fear is crippling. In my faith life, family life and social life, it is fear that creates a wall between me and them. Fear is what makes me put out my hand when I meet someone, rather then gathering them in my arms like I want to. Fear is what makes me laugh after I say something truly meaningful. Fear is what kept me from knowing myself and Christ for almost 20 years. What can break these chains of fear? All I seem to be able to ask is, "what should I do", when more likely then not, God is asking me instead, "What should you be asking Me to do?".
And so in my unknowing, I write. I pray. I turn my face towards heaven and soak up as much of Christ's warm light as I can, breathing deep before I once again choose to look inward rather then continuing to look up. My own dark corners are riveting.
Faith is definitely one of them. To have a rambling mind, filled with fear and questions...these moments are my trials. I have peace, however, when those thoughts fall into a category, fit into a place of understanding that allows me to file it away and move on. Lately, however, I've come up against the unfile-able. Spiritual warfare.
Growing up, I was afraid of the dark. My nightlight was the rope of sanity that I clung to when my head was filled with all the possibilities of what might possibly be in the unknown, creepy corners of my room. Even now, I wake up from a nightmare, scared of the blurred reality that surrounds me. I'm verging on legally blind, so the dark shapes of my room are unintelligible What scares me most about spiritual warfare, is that I might possibility be convinced of one truth, only to have some thought that isn't my own, convince me otherwise. What is the voice of God in my head, which is mine, and which is the enemy? Can my own voice become my enemy? Can the enemy sound enough like God that I could get lost in a lie? As a child of God, the Bible says I'm untouchable...tempt-able, but untouchable.
In my moments of fear, I do what I believe I should; I pray, I sing, I speak the name of Jesus, or I beg God to help me...to give me peace, to take my fear from me. But what scares me, is that the response has never been instant. My fear doesn't vanish in a moment...instead I either fall asleep exhausted from my fear and fervent prayers, or peace only comes after I've cried my eyes out. I know the Lord is capable of miracles... and so, is it my lack of faith..or perhaps some stronghold of the enemy's, that keeps me from experiencing these miracles? Is God teaching me something in this? And if yes...what?
Fear is crippling. In my faith life, family life and social life, it is fear that creates a wall between me and them. Fear is what makes me put out my hand when I meet someone, rather then gathering them in my arms like I want to. Fear is what makes me laugh after I say something truly meaningful. Fear is what kept me from knowing myself and Christ for almost 20 years. What can break these chains of fear? All I seem to be able to ask is, "what should I do", when more likely then not, God is asking me instead, "What should you be asking Me to do?".
And so in my unknowing, I write. I pray. I turn my face towards heaven and soak up as much of Christ's warm light as I can, breathing deep before I once again choose to look inward rather then continuing to look up. My own dark corners are riveting.
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