It's Been A While...

Sometimes you just need to write. Usually I stick to journaling, but every once in a while when my process feels extra profound, I get the urge to blog. As you can see it's been a while since my last post and so much and so little has happened between then and now, but what is true, is that I am not immune to the human desire to be liked.

I thought I kicked this base fear of "I'm not good enough/likable" a while ago. I thought, "I've conquered the terrifying territory that is self love and come up stronger, wiser and well-grounded". This was and still is true, but in the meantime I got my ass kicked and my foundations pretty shook by insecurity and and a demon pretending to be "growth". 

Often, when we are faced with new experiences, like a new job, a new skill, a new opportunity, we are hit with a sense of insecurity, fear and inferiority. We look at those around us who have already mastered the skill we are just begininng to learn  and we wonder if we'll ever be good enough. For me, this is acting. I got the insane opportunity to get a masters in performing arts FOR FREE, and was tossed into a world I barely understood, but longed to be a part of. 

My hunger for growth was easily manipulated in me. When I'm in new place, I want to take the position of a student; assuming I know nothing and seek to learn as much as I can from those around me. This was no different for acting, however, I let my inexperience shake other parts of my life, unrelated to acting. I started to believe that my knowing so little about this area of expertise meant that I also understood just as little in other parts of my life, like self love, health, image, sex, etc. Being surrounded by experts in a field where I was only a novice, opened a door of self doubt that allowed insecurity to come in and spread like wildfire.

I posted things on social media I thought were relevant and funny. I started to dress differently. I spoke differently. I even treated my faith differently. Gradually  my image was morphing to fit the picture created for me by people I deemed "better" then me because they knew how to act. It was a slow, toxic process that twisted my once solid self view into something frail and hungry for approval. 

This is where Holy Spirit, friends and family came into play.

I felt like I was drowning but I couldn't figure out why. All I saw was my "growth", all that I had learned and adopted from my newfound direction. Then my sister messaged me. Her words were super simple..."you seem a little lost. I just wanted to make sure you're OK". 

Lost. 

That's exactly how I felt. I thought I was finding some new and exciting parts of myself that I'd never fully embraced when really I'd slowly let go of the woman I knew myself to be in order to adopt a newer, sexier, more "relevant" version of myself. And in the process, parts of me got blurry. 

My closest friends and family confirmed what my sister called out in me. And in the calling out, pulled out the poison and began to re-instill hope, encouragement and peace. I can't begin to express how thankful I am for people like this in my life...and for a God who speaks, loves and creates connection. I forget sometimes that we were made for community, made to need and help each other. But when this need is twisted for the sake of approval , we lose ourselves. 

Being in relationship with God means I'm already loved, already unconditionally accepted, seen, know and cherished. We are found in Him.And growing and learning from this place can bring only life, security and adventure. Outside of Him we are vulnerable to self doubt and crippling insecurity. 

Oh, and final note. Never fear failing. Failing is only scary when you're alone, but with Christ, we are never alone.

Much love,

Andrea Christine