Monster
Self righteousness. This is my monster.
Since my faith began to truly become a defining part of my image (note, not yet my life) I put others into boxes, creating a Christian hierarchy, of sorts. Those who lived perfectly and purely being set upon it's highest rung. As long as I did what I thought was right, what I had grown up hearing Christians and the Church should do, then I would be accepted...worthy of God's love and grace.
Oh but how the mighty have fallen!! While my family accused me time and again of being judgmental and cruel, I stuck to my list of rules, safe and covered as long as I didn't screw up. And you know what saved me? Getting skrewed and totally skrewing up.
Not in the literal sense, but life threw curve balls at me that sent me hurtling to depths I can still see when I close my eyes, still feel when I wake up from a nightmare. Pain, loss, depression, a broken family, an alcoholic father, suddenly the rules and regulations I had created for myself, no longer applied! I was blind, lost in utter darkness, my constant companion was my own fear, self loathing and seemingly endless amounts of tears.
But that is where Christ first reached out his hand! Friends I never knew I had, began to to surround me, love me, sit beside me and listen, choosing to hear the same complaint, the same fear, the same story a hundred times. So for the first time in my life, I realized, Christ is in the words and actions of people.
In those years of hardship I began the steady crawl towards Christ's true light. I wanted to know him, but I was still fragile in my self awareness, distrusting in the way I put my heart or my hands above me. But I felt his call, so even in my fear and distrust, I sang, I worked, I read.
Then this last weekend happened, and my world tumbled and cracked in the intense and exposing light of God's truth. What had my pursuit and prayers been about thus far? Me. It had all been about me. My comfort, my peace, my glory.
Then I heard the words of a speaker, she said, "Lord, if you are glorified, then I am satisfied". Even in suffering we find peace because in our heart of hearts there lies the truth that states, we are on God's heart, written on his hands. We are the love's of his life and the masterpieces of his creation, so if he is being glorified, then we have all the rest, the peace and the satisfaction we could ask for, no matter how we suffer or succeed. Our true self, our true lives, are hid with Christ in heaven! So we glorify him with big and beautifully broken shouts of joy and expectation!
After writing one of my first blogs about fear, I felt God urging me to memorize some scripture that I could have as my sword of truth whenever I needed courage. God lead me to Psalm 27. So here are just the few verses I've memorized thus far. The words have only become more true after Christ called me to die to myself this weekend, and choose to radically live with and for him!
The Lord is my light and my salvation,
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the Stronghold of my life,
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me,
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me
they will stumble and fall.
Though and army besiege me,
my heart will not fear.
Though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek,
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life
and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord,
to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble,
The lord will keep me safe in his dwelling,
He will hide me in the shelter of his Tabernacle,
he will set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me.
At his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of praise,
I will sing and make music to the Lord!!
What is most amazing to me is...The lord is singing and dancing over me as well. Praise God!!!
Blessings,
~Andrea Christine
Since my faith began to truly become a defining part of my image (note, not yet my life) I put others into boxes, creating a Christian hierarchy, of sorts. Those who lived perfectly and purely being set upon it's highest rung. As long as I did what I thought was right, what I had grown up hearing Christians and the Church should do, then I would be accepted...worthy of God's love and grace.
Oh but how the mighty have fallen!! While my family accused me time and again of being judgmental and cruel, I stuck to my list of rules, safe and covered as long as I didn't screw up. And you know what saved me? Getting skrewed and totally skrewing up.
Not in the literal sense, but life threw curve balls at me that sent me hurtling to depths I can still see when I close my eyes, still feel when I wake up from a nightmare. Pain, loss, depression, a broken family, an alcoholic father, suddenly the rules and regulations I had created for myself, no longer applied! I was blind, lost in utter darkness, my constant companion was my own fear, self loathing and seemingly endless amounts of tears.
But that is where Christ first reached out his hand! Friends I never knew I had, began to to surround me, love me, sit beside me and listen, choosing to hear the same complaint, the same fear, the same story a hundred times. So for the first time in my life, I realized, Christ is in the words and actions of people.
In those years of hardship I began the steady crawl towards Christ's true light. I wanted to know him, but I was still fragile in my self awareness, distrusting in the way I put my heart or my hands above me. But I felt his call, so even in my fear and distrust, I sang, I worked, I read.
Then this last weekend happened, and my world tumbled and cracked in the intense and exposing light of God's truth. What had my pursuit and prayers been about thus far? Me. It had all been about me. My comfort, my peace, my glory.
Then I heard the words of a speaker, she said, "Lord, if you are glorified, then I am satisfied". Even in suffering we find peace because in our heart of hearts there lies the truth that states, we are on God's heart, written on his hands. We are the love's of his life and the masterpieces of his creation, so if he is being glorified, then we have all the rest, the peace and the satisfaction we could ask for, no matter how we suffer or succeed. Our true self, our true lives, are hid with Christ in heaven! So we glorify him with big and beautifully broken shouts of joy and expectation!
After writing one of my first blogs about fear, I felt God urging me to memorize some scripture that I could have as my sword of truth whenever I needed courage. God lead me to Psalm 27. So here are just the few verses I've memorized thus far. The words have only become more true after Christ called me to die to myself this weekend, and choose to radically live with and for him!
The Lord is my light and my salvation,
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the Stronghold of my life,
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me,
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me
they will stumble and fall.
Though and army besiege me,
my heart will not fear.
Though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek,
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life
and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord,
to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble,
The lord will keep me safe in his dwelling,
He will hide me in the shelter of his Tabernacle,
he will set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me.
At his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of praise,
I will sing and make music to the Lord!!
What is most amazing to me is...The lord is singing and dancing over me as well. Praise God!!!
Blessings,
~Andrea Christine
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