Coffee with a Water Lily

I realized just recently that I'd never published the post I wrote below from months ago. Re-reading it I can still feel the gut-wrenching fear that had gripped me when I first came to graduate school. And I can now honestly admit that I am on the other side. After almost a year spent fighting to prove myself as an actor, I had a moment of realization. The things we are most passionate about are the only things we're willing to wade through the deepest levels of fear and anxiety in order to master. When we feel the life that comes from living and breathing the dreams and talents that are planted within us, we become addicted. Only it's an addiction that feeds, rather then drains. It's like water, or air, or love. When we step into the places that we are called to be, it's like parts of us we knew were there but couldn't grasp before, suddenly fall into place. I am an actress, I'm a writer, I'm a singer and a performer. I'm a friend, a sister, a c...

Sometimes you just need to write. Usually I stick to journaling, but every once in a while when my process feels extra profound, I get the urge to blog. As you can see it's been a while since my last post and so much and so little has happened between then and now, but what is true, is that I am not immune to the human desire to be liked. I thought I kicked this base fear of "I'm not good enough/likable" a while ago. I thought, "I've conquered the terrifying territory that is self love and come up stronger, wiser and well-grounded". This was and still is true, but in the meantime I got my ass kicked and my foundations pretty shook by insecurity and and a demon pretending to be "growth".  Often, when we are faced with new experiences, like a new job, a new skill, a new opportunity, we are hit with a sense of insecurity, fear and inferiority. We look at those around us who have already mastered the skill we are just begininng to learn  an...

What is pursuit?             This is a question I have mulled over time and time again throughout my years of experiencing the successes and failures of relationships. This is what I've found:             Pursuit is the vulnerable risk to know and be known, for the sake of possibility, not surety. Pursuit is the hope before hope, the chance taken, the flick of a match. It is not, however, the definite start of an already decided journey.             Pursuit takes courage and courage is the result of vulnerability not pride (its counterfeit). It is a meekness and openness that says "I'm just a boy and you're just a girl (or vise versa), each of us equally glorious and worthy of being known". This vulnerability creates humble, honest and powerful pursuit. Pride, however, is begotten by fear and it’s result...

:) Hello again. It's been way too long. First I want to apologize for being so far behind on my updates, I realize the last time I posted was before I left for Worship School! And now here I am, almost done with the second month of Bethel's Supernatural School of Ministry! Briefly, Worship School changed me. It lit a fire for new and deeper expressions of worship that is now being fed here in school. I am a woman of worship and attending Bethel's School of Worship opened up new channels of expression that created a new depth and vibrancy to the passion of worship that I had never before seen within me. There are new shades to the praise rainbow that is my hearts purest expression of deep adoration towards my beautiful Papa God. Now, BSSM. What a ride it has been thus far. Though it has only been two months I can hardly recall what happened beyond a week ago! What I can't forget are the encounters that I have had with the redemptive power of God's love throug...

I can hardly breathe. These past months have been agonizing and then all the sudden I'm only a week away from traveling out to California to begin a 20 day adventure that is sure to change my life forever. Intense, huh? Hahaha and yet that is exactly how I feel! Heavy, aching, introspective; but not with the usual sort of emotions that come with these adjectives, rather I'm so overflowing with the goodness of God's presence that it's almost a solid thing I'm carrying around with me! I'm heavy with the joy and expectation of what is to come. I'm aching with the passion that calls me to worship my God, my King, the lover of my soul, in all ways and at all times! And introspective in that I want to remember this person, the woman I am before I get Rocked by an encounter so thick with Christ's love and glory that I could hardly come back the same person! What has me absolutely itching to hop on a plane now rather then in a weeks time is the echoed joy ...

It took my cat...winding himself around my legs and head butting his way into my arms to realize... I'm not at peace. One of the themes that has been popping up in my reading and conversations is the idea that we can only give or release, that which we already have. Seemingly obvious in some ways, but in terms of the overflow of our hearts, it's a stranger concept to grasp. But tonight I wanted my cat to be at peace in my presence, but how could I release peace, if I myself am in need of a dose? Driving home I was thinking more about the whys behind my faith, the groans, the aches, the deep needs of my heart that can only be explained, met or expressed through an intimate relationship with God. But it's almost laughable to be reflecting at such a depth when my most basic needs of my heart were going unmet. In his presence there is fullness of joy!! not introspective contemplating or deeply thoughtful question and answer sessions. While His revelation is indeed a beaut...

I know I only have one follower (thanks glen ;) ) but really this blog has never been about followers. Rather, this blog is meant to be a place to process 'publicly', a place where I can set down my constant and overflowing contemplations and hope that someone might stumble across them, read and resonate.  That for just a moment a complete stranger and I have something in common, some small stirring in both our hearts. So I continue to blog thoughts and revelations in the hopes of anyone reading even a word or two and feeling connected. I began a new job recently and I'm still feeling out the people I'm working with. While I've known a couple of them for a while, others are complete strangers. Yet there is one thing they all have in common...none of them have any idea how much, or why I love my God. Today we even had a conversation, two coworkers and I, about heaven and hell, science vs religion, etc and the whole time my mouth stayed closed though my heart ac...

How things change... Even in the span of a day or so I find my whole understanding of certain things suddenly having new roots. I don't have to hear or believe lies. Rather, I have the authority, under and through Christ, to not only identify lies but to then replace them with Truth, God's Truth. Today a dear friend told me this; as we grow, our minds learn to follow certain paths as circumstances and words are repeated. So as adults, we have patterns that we would have to fight to stray from. Such as a stream flowing down the side of a mountain; paths worn from years of travel are much easier to flow down. A small tickle of a stream does not suddenly choose to take a new path, it would have to be forced off it's well worn route. And so it is with our minds. In whatever family we grow up, we learn cause and effect. What we learn from all circumstances, both positive and negative, creates these pathways. So I am now in a season of life where I am choosing to fight for ...

The way things change. From day to day and year to year... You'd think that what you thought was true would always be, Then clarity. Clarity like lightning, like falling snow or whispers. A flutter, or crash it's there. Suddenly. That something you never knew you never knew, until you knew it, in that flash. Selfishness weakness Pride pity Love Holiness Mercy Grace All realized, given, not taken. Received, not earned. Awareness isn't something we can show ourselves, it takes Another. May He enter soon, and catch me when the truth hit's hard.

God is so faithful. His peace, his joy, his wisdom and his understanding are each blessings we need only ask for and they will be given to us! I was baptized on Thursday morning, right around 10:15am! I can hardly describe all that I felt and experienced, my senses were so overwhelmed; I was both at peace and on fire at the same time. My joy was laughter and my thankfulness tears. I remember my heart beating so hard against my ribs I thought the water might ripple from it's tossing! Since then... everything has changed. In reading His Word, it no longer falls on a heart of stone but is instead sucked up like water on dry ground! I can't get enough of him, so much so that I could almost explode with the sheer joy and overwhelming peace that comes from and with his presence! And my obedience has, again, been given new joy and revealed in a new light. As does speaking God's word, for, "faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the Word of ...

My thoughts have been consumed by my own weaknesses lately. By my failures, my insecurities, all the ways I don't measure up to the woman God created me to be. I wasn't sure what was making these thoughts swirl heavily through my mind, weighing me down and separating me from God. So I felt God pulling me to do a bit of a Bible study. We aren't alone in our weaknesses and temptations. Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, and the Word of God was his sword and shield. So I studied this same word, coming upon one final verse that has given me insane rest :) Thank you Lord, your goodness is undeniable!! Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.' [...

God's peace is not partial. His love is not conditional. So why do we so often promise our love based on conditions? If you do this for me God, I promise to have complete faith in you. If you give me this one thing God, I will do whatever you ask. And yet, hasn't God already done all that needs to be done for us? He sacrificed his pure and perfect son for the sins of his fallen people, so that we may have a direct line to him, free of conditions, free of shame, free of guilt and self-doubt. God loves us. God loves in a way that is so deep and abiding, that even simply turning our eyes upon him completely ravishes him! God loves us! GOD LOVES US! This is our joy and our comfort, our shield and our strength. It goes beyond even that! Not only does God loves us, but he wants to provide for us! To protect us, to nuture us and make us whole! Not whole as in becoming what we once were, because even when we were born we entered into battle, but instead becoming like NEW! Per...

It's amazing how intricately perfected the world's expectation of our appearance is...how specific, how superficial. But what's more amazing is the deeper call to beauty that the Lord has placed upon our hearts. Honesty in love, transparency in sorrow, worry and fear...these are the products of an open heart and mind, the result of an active vulnerability that the world basically tells us to hide, to fake, to retreat from. Yet isn't it true that it is in our deepest vulnerabilites that we are more widely opened to receive that which is most nourishing to our souls? At Life Group this week, the host, Danny, spoke on understanding our needs and knowing how to address them. While this seems somewhat selfish in it's inward focus, it is a truth that many christians, including myself, avoid because of it's call to transparency. To understand our own needs is a necessary willingness to wake up in the morning and take time to truely acknowlegde the emotional and phy...

Obedience has this deeply ringing sense of servitude to it. In my heart I've always placed obedience and slavery a little to close to each other. And more often then not, my definition of certain words come from particular context rather then a learned definition. So in my seeking to understand the word itself first, I looked it up on dictionary.com! Here's how it defines obedience: o·be·di·ence     / oʊˈbi di əns / Show Spelled [ oh- bee -dee- uh ns ] Show IPA noun 1. the state or quality of being obedient. 2. the act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance: Military service demands obedience from its members. 3. a sphere of authority or jurisdiction, especially ecclesiastical. 4. Chiefly Ecclesiastical . a. conformity to a monastic rule or the authority of a religious superior, especially on the part of one who has vowed such conformance. b. the rule or authority that exacts such conf...